What’s a-happening

I have only been in Vietnam for less than two weeks, and already I have achieved:

· Driving lessons including reverse parking (all done with the new car)*
· Experimenting with a new type of car that doesn’t need any finite resources such as gas, petrol, and nor does it need solar energy. It moves from when you move the steering wheel. Frigging awesome, but only comes in small sizes so far. Hope to remedy that one day.*
· Taught my three year old cousin how to drive*
· Jumped off a bridge into a river
· Floated on a piece of HUGE foam, as big as a single bed. Possibly stolen
· Saw a really crap re-enactment of A-dam and Ev-a and the rest of the bible (it was bloody sexist so I didn’t stick around)
· Went to some traditional weddings
· Filmed almost the entire thing (I had a toilet break and lunch)
· Saw a photo mafiya (paparazzi) *
· Someone calling the grooms phone right in the middle of several important ceremonies with her face all covered up.
· Was in several car crashes with the new model car (kind of like bumper cars except one ran into my head while I was stargazing. OUCH!)
· Aforementioned stargazing
· Made muc which is basically just coconut cooked with sugar
· Babysat heaps of kids (lost count)*
· Helped build a house*
· Learnt about flower, fruit and bread arrangements (yeah, there’s an actual art to bread arranging. All for a wedding)
· Saw LOTS of DRUNK PEOPLE
· Experimented with insomniac (I’ve been normally sleeping nine hours, now I’m clocking seven, stay up to eleven when my curfew is ten, as said by The Midnight Beast. I’m sleeping less because there is so much chores to do)
· Growing a type of mushroom (that’s fun, except they dry so easily)
· Went riding on a motorbike without a helmet.
· Saw one of the best movies ever made, a bloody brilliant one called Inception.
· Made a totem (If you’ve watched Inception, you’ll know what I am talking about, if you don’t then google it. Or watch Inception)
· Got bitten by mozzies
· Went up and down an elevator for no apparent reason at Can Tho International Airport (look it up)
· Started learning two new languages and an old one (I will be one of those people who know five languages if I could be bothered)

Of course, the ones asteric marked are exaggerated or hiding some of the truth. There’s more but I can’t be bothered remembering them and writing them down here.

My eyebrows must have abs…

What do you make of this sentence?
Stupid? Idiotic? Bimbo? Dumb? Good enough to be sent into the ‘Overheard’ section of the mX?

But before you jump to conclusions, I need to set the scene.

Someone is complaining of a cramp in her eyebrow. Cramps only happen to anything with muscles, so this is a cramp of muscle. Therefore, it is justifiable that her eyebrows have “abs” which really mean muscles.

This is a good lesson (or is it moral?) not to judge people by what they say if you don’t know them. Because we all have said stupid things, and not all of us can be stupid because stupidity is the state of being less intelligent to others. If we were all stupid, then there wouldn’t be any stupidity because that is the normal state of intelligence.

It is also a good point to actually think before you say. Because you might end up saying something like ‘My eyebrows have abs’, and reputations take a lifetime to build; but only seconds to destroy.

And in case you’re wondering, it takes me two seconds to say that statement.

Waiting for change; For people still stuck in the closet and unrequeited love

Recently, my friend just had a coming out of the closet party, and another one of my friends confessed to a crush. But if I was dramatic and come to conclusions without evidence, I say unrequeited love. So I wrote this poem for those stuck in a closet (mentally and physically) and those who are experienceing unrequeited love. And because I want to put a spin on things and never have been in a mental closet, I am writing this post from inside an actual closet/wardrobe. I realise that it’s not the same, but still, it’s much easier to visualise. And the weather is misty so…

I see it/you
Always on the edge
Clouded by mist
Lighted by twilight

I’m longing
For the emptiness
And nothing
To go away

Moonlight and frost
Bite as I try to follow
So I watch
In silence

And I wait
And wait
Waiting from
Inside a closet

Red Traffic Lights

Green
Please proceed as per normal, while obeying speed limit of the area

Amber
Please slow down, or speed up if you think you can make it.

Red
Stop, and if there are no cops or cameras, then you RUN!

*Under no circumstances should anyone ever run a red light, or take this post seriously.

**GO SPARKLE MONSTERS!

Suprise of... well, today.

So. From the title, you probably figured out that I had a suprise today. I was scrolling through a camera, taking passport photos. I came across this weird movie.

My little sister had filmed a movie of herself, acting like a vampire, sniffing out blood. It was actually quite funny. Checking the date, it was filmed yesterday. The coincidence was that we went mulberry picking today.

For those of you who have never been mulberry picking, there's a few words that can describe it but four words can pretty much sum it up. Messy, delicious, fake blood.

Mulberry juice is purple when dry but when it's fresh and really thick, it really does look like blood. When it's dry you might be able to pass it as an old bruise in the right light, and if you're really squinting. It's a trick I've used to get out of doing Physical Education in primary school. I guess i was devious even then.

Anyway, mulberry blood stains allover our fingers and lips, and in my sister's case, dribbling down her chin, like blood. And my mum didn't bat an eye. Well she did, but i meant she didn't mind our black humour.

So it makes you think. Well it made me think anyway.

Our lives are so ruled by media, and a while ago, social politics and the church in the western world. If media had made necrophilia and anything related to the subject "bad", then my sister wouldn't have made that video.

I'm probably going to put all this in a book i'm writing. Or incorporate it into depressing poetry. Or maybe a song for my garage band that i do not have as i don't have a garage, know how to play an instrument, have no interest in actually making music and am a little stage frightened at times.

So one question i have unanswered after writing all this.

Why? Why are we all this and not that, whatever that is. If anyone has an answer, could you put it in comments, as I sure as heck don't. Don't know the answer, that is.

Ciao, Au Revoiur, et cetera...

Me. I think...

P.S I should stop using elipsis points, and treating this blog like a letter. Still... Damn, i did it again. Oh well.

Early Holiday Compex (EHC)

Early Holiday Complex or EHC occurs in people, especially students, to behave in a manner that would suggest that they are already on holidays, when their actual holiday is in the very near future.

Symptoms include, but are in no way limited to:
Non-permanent ink on skin, especially on face and hands, and often drawn on in the shape of flowers or the Sparkle Monsters Cult.
Joining the Sparkle Monsters Cult
General rowdiness, noise and lack of concentration
Colouring in head and profile shots of Tinker bell
Prone to quoting classics, especially Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Citing symptoms of EHC
Euphoric (High)
Acting in ways the victim would not normally behave

Victims cannot be held accountable for their actions and cannot explain themselves, as they are not themselves, you see. EHC victims are not generally violent, but if provoked physically, they will respond accordingly, and often are hard to stop once they reach this frenzy.

Cure
The best cure for an EHC victim is starting the victim on an early holiday, or if this course of action cannot be executed, indulging the victim with activities that do not require much mental concentration.
Activities can include watching educational movies, cross-words, colouring-in sheets (preferably of Tinker-Bell), eating chocolate and ice-cream, leisure swimming, reading, listening to music or surfing the internet. The types of activities that are good for EHC victims are relaxing. These activities will reduce most symptoms and victims can stay quiet for stretches up to half an hour.

This is not a permanent mental disorder, and disappears once the victim is on holidays.

Compiled by Jenny Nguyen, an EHC victim

Bus Driving, Political Vampires

Yeah, another person afflicted with vamps. At least, in my dream (this is where it came from), the vampire didn't sparkle.

This is how it went.

The bus driver turned out to be a vampire who wants everyone to persuade everyone else to vote for Tony Abbot, not Julia Gillard (I'm voting for Bob Brown) and when a kid vampire kicks off the bus driver to drive, we all want a turn and dislike the guy (the kid vamp) since he was a bit of a snob. To be honest, the Cullens from Twilight seem a bit like snobs too.

Anyway, we all started to take photos to use as black mail to get a go on the bus. I think it's an illegal offence to steal a bus and it's patrons. I think, unless the government is secretly endorsing it. Highly unlikely, but you never know.

Thing was, no one could take a photo. Why? Because the vampire kept ducking out of the way. Ha ha, probably the sole explanation of why no one can take photos of vampire.

So, there it is. I am now afflicted with vampires.

On the plus side, i like zombies too. Much better.

Big Big Head, Small Small Brain

Do think you have a big big head, and a small small brain?

Here are ways to find out. *WARNING!* DO NOT TRY AT HOME, AND ALWAYS HAVE SOMEONE SUPERVISING OR WITNESSING.

1. Your head circumference is over 95 cm.
2. When you nod, you can feel your brain sliding around in the fluid gel in your big big head.
3. When you tap your head like a watermelon, it makes the same sound as a yummy watermelon.
4. Your friends often say to you: "Gosh, you're a little dimmer than you'd expect with that big big head of yours.
5. You have trouble standing because with the size of your head, balance is a bit hard, unless of course youre perfectly proportioned.
6. With a CAT scan, the experts determine you have a small small brain.

Senile Dementia

I think I'm insane.

There, I said it. Of course, there would be signs. So in hope of some professional help, I'm telling the world. Also, i's something interesting to tell people.

Signs
Seeing things
Hearing things
Forgetting words (carrot, cucumber, keyboard)
Forgetting events
Forgetting EXTREMELY important events
Scared of dreams
Scared of nightmares to the poit of sleeping with a butter knife under the pillow (If it were any sharper, i'd cut myself)
Under the impression that there's not enough air indoors.
Suspects everyone of something or the other
Constant headaches
Suspects everything

But they're very basic signs that could be explained away by saying subconsciously, i want senile dementia. That's absurd, i don't like the headaches or forgetting stuff and the fear of not enought air. I'm not attention seeking (at least i don't think i am but the worst person to judge myself is myself so...)

Help?

Answer

Well, there really is no correct answere. However, this is my answer. THis never happened so there is no answere.

Liar Paradox

WARNING
Do not read this if you are not used to philosophical paradoxes that may or may not give you a head-ache. I AM SERIOUS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

There was a man jogging around a park. He stops and rests on a bench where he is soon joined by an old man smoking a tobaacco pipe.
"The first person you speak to today will lie to you." The old man said and winked. "Trust me. Don't believe him!"
"Right, thanks for the advice." The jogger said. "But hold on. You're the first person I have spoken to today!"
"Exactly!"

So what the old man said- was it true or false.

Answers and a new paradox posted next week.

Happy Holidays

I just forgot to add, the 17th of March is St Patricks day (obvious)

The 18th of March is ... Hug an Aisan day. Who came up with that? Seriously, its like someone just came up with it to have a reason to grope someone.

In the Land of Dreams...

Hello
Quite recently, ive had 3 consecutive dreams. They are funny things, always imaginative, or at least, for me.

I was at a party and this cloud drifted pass, about one meter off the ground. It was strange; I wasn't up on a mountain. Then the cloud turned into a beautiful bird that excreted all over the yard. The droppings were exactly like youghurt, and one of my friends in the dream actually tasted it before gagging with disgust.

It goes on but I only have time for this much.

Moi, signing off.

Holidays